The Art of Self-Inquiry: Stop Reacting to Life and Start Creating It

If you are human, you have a voice in your head.

Research shows almost all of us have this inner dialogue. It helps us form memories. But when this voice is left unchecked, it can actually distort your reality.

It starts obsessively replaying mistakes you made. It overwrites what ACTUALLY happened with your inner commentary on how it made you feel.

The good news is, you don’t have to believe everything the voice in your head says. You can actually start to question it.

The Art of Awareness

The reason Self-Inquiry is an "Art" is because it takes practice. It requires Self-Awareness. Before you can question a thought, you have to be able to NOTICE the thought instead of just being controlled by it.

The easiest way to explain this is to separate your Awareness from your Thinking.

Imagine walking outside on a really cold winter morning. You immediately feel that cold deep in your bones. That is Awareness.

A split second later, the voice in your head screams: "OMG it’s so cold! I hate this! Why did I come out here?" That is Thinking.

Notice the difference? Your body felt the cold BEFORE your mind complained about it. The sensation is real. The story about the sensation is just... a story.

The same awareness that felt the cold can also notice the voice complaining. And if you can notice the voice, that means you are NOT the voice. You are the one listening to it.

Remember, what notices a thought is not a thought! It can’t be!

But knowing this intellectually is different than feeling it. You might feel like that voice runs the show. So I want to invite you to do a simple experiment to prove that YOU are actually the one in charge.

Go ahead and close your eyes one more time. Very loudly, inside your own head, I want you to shout the word "HELLO" five times!

Did you do it? Were you able to shout "Hello" and hear it in your head?

This proves a massive point: You have the agency to direct the voice in your head to say what YOU want it to say, even if you can’t silence it completely.

Training the "Pause"

But knowing you can do this is one thing. Doing it in the heat of the moment is another.

Just like you go to the gym to train your body to build muscle, you have to train your mind to build the "Pause."

The goal of mental training isn't just to be "chill." It is to build the strength to slow down enough to RESPOND to life’s challenges instead of just REACTING to them.

In order to cultivate the skill of self-inquiry, we need that pause. That split-second of slowing down is the only place where you can insert a question to help you move forward. Instead of ruminating and getting stuck.

So now that you know WHY we train, let’s look at HOW we use that pause.

The Good "Why" vs. The Bad "Why"

I want to share a specific example from my coaching sessions to demonstrate the power of asking "Why." And then I’m going to show you how that exact same question becomes a trap if you aren't careful.

First, the Power of "Why." I use "Why" when I need a client to dig deep and find the hidden desire for a change they want to make.

Let me give you an example. This is a conversation I have constantly with clients starting a health journey. Almost always, clients start by saying "I want to lose weight," or "I want to lose belly fat."

As a coach, I know this isn’t even really a goal! It’s actually the PROCESS to achieve their hidden desire.

So I ask them to share more about the reason they want to lose weight. They might respond with "I want to become healthy," or "To be more confident."

I say: "That’s great. Can you describe what a healthier version of you actually looks and feels like? Do you have a realistic role model of someone you wish to look like?"

Once they have a clear picture of what their goal is, I follow up with: "WHY do you want this?"

That is when they have to dig deep. They find the actual hidden desire. In this context, asking "Why" is powerful. It forces them to dig deep and reveals the fuel underneath. It is what will keep them going when they face obstacles to get to their goal.

The Trap of Asking "Why"

But... let’s look at when questioning "Why" becomes a trap.

Let me give you an example everyone in Los Angeles understands: Traffic.

A lot of people in this city suffer from road rage. I used to be one of them. It was a learned behavior I picked up from my Dad. Like me, you might have a goal to be a calm, zen driver. But then someone cuts you off.

Have you ever felt a fire ignite deep in your chest, make its way up to your head, and warm your ears on the 405?

If you’re able to pause before you react to this situation and ask yourself "Why am I angry?"... Your mind will serve up a carousel of reasons to justify your anger! "Because he cut me off! Because people are selfish! Because I'm late!"

The "Why" question validates your anger and adds fuel to the fire.

But what if you swap the question? Instead of "Why," ask:

• "WHAT is this anger doing for me right now?"

• "HOW does sitting in this rage actually feel in my body? Is it enjoyable?"

Suddenly, the narrative changes. You realize the anger isn't punishing the other driver; it's only punishing YOU. The "What" question forces you to look at the cost, not the justification. And that is the moment you start to take back control.

The Inner Critic

Now, with road rage there is usually someone else involved for us to feel angry. But the beauty of the Art of Self-Inquiry is that it also works with your Inner Critic.

You know what I'm talking about, right? That voice that is constantly whispering in your ear, criticizing you?

• For some, this voice is the Perfectionist who tells you: "You ate one cookie, you’ve ruined your whole diet, so you should just give up."

• For others, it’s the Imposter who screams: "Who do you think you are? You don't belong here. Everyone else knows what they’re doing, and you’re just faking it."

• And for many, it’s simply that quiet, constant whisper telling you: "You are not good enough."

Before I tell you more, I want you to think of one thing right now that you really want to do. Like write a book, join a gym, or start a hobby. But that voice in your head keeps discouraging you.

Got it?

The reason you should avoid asking your inner critic "Why" is simple. Asking "Why" automatically puts your mind in defensive mode. It forces your brain to justify the criticism.

If your inner critic says "You ate one cookie, you’ve ruined your whole diet," and you ask "Why?"... It will defend itself rigorously! "Because you are a failure! Because you keep breaking promises!"

It creates a loop of shame.

So, how do we break that loop?

I had a client with this exact problem. He was an avid BMX enthusiast. He bought the bike and all the gear to start practicing. He was physically in shape to do so, but his inner critic was stopping him.

It kept telling him: "If you take your bike into the park, what would other people think? They will think you’re strange. They will make fun of you. You shouldn't go out in public."

I started off by questioning his inner critic! So I asked: "May I please speak to your inner critic?" He said yes.

"Can you tell me one more time the reasons you mentioned for not going out and practicing?"

He said: "People will think I’m strange, they will make fun of me!"

I asked: "SO WHAT?"

He looked startled. He didn’t have an answer!

I asked again: "So what if a few strangers you’ve never met in your life and probably will never see again, think you're strange?"

"Also, can you read minds? How do you know they will think you’re strange or make fun of you?"

After a pause he said: "I don’t actually know that!"

I said: "Okay. But for the sake of argument, let's say you CAN read minds. Let's say you KNOW they are making fun of you. So what? Who are they to you?"

I got no answer.

So I asked him: "Do you want to live for yourself and pursue activities that you enjoy? Or do you want to live for what a total stranger might think of you?"

He said: "I want to live for myself."

Together we designed a plan for him to start asking his inner critic "So What?" when it tried to stop him.

That simple approach dismantled the fear. He started going to the park. And you know what happened? He actually ended up meeting other enthusiasts who came up to ask him questions about what he was doing.

Whether it’s road rage in traffic or dealing with your inner critic, the Art of Self-Inquiry works the same.

By asking yourself the right question at the right time you start to move forward instead of getting stuck and ruminating.

But, and this is a big but, to be able to do this will take practice. Lots of it!

You might be asking what kind of practices? The simple answer is meditation and mindfulness. The more you cultivate the skill of directing your attention to what you want, versus being at the mercy of your thinking mind, the more you will be able to ask the right questions at the right time. Instead of hopelessly reacting to situations.

There is an old saying: “The mind is a great servant but a terrible master.”

An untrained mind is a terrible master. But a trained mind will be a great servant.